Antaranga - My story in English

My name is Antaranga and I was born in May 1964. You can read here about the moving experiences, which inspired me to meditate.
Ich heiße Antaranga und bin im Wonnemonat Mai im Jahre 1964 geboren.  Von den tiefgreifenden Erlebnissen, die mich zum Meditieren bewegt haben, erfahrt Ihr hier in deutscher Sprache.

When I remember, as a child, when I lay in bed at night, I sometimes looked at the ceiling and wanted to see God. But I could not see Him.
My belief in God was refreshed when I was around thirteen. Dust rose and white broken stones flew up into the air passing my eyes. I looked straight up into the blue sky. Not so much was aching. Also my orange bicycle seemed alright. I sat on my saddle again and looked down to the pedals. My favourite blue jeans had a big hole! It was clear that my mother would throw them away. This frustrated me unusually deeply and I realized that everything and everybody I love is fleeting. May be Buddha had a similar experience, when he – still a prince – met an ill, an old and a dead person for the first time and understood that all earthly things are but transitory. I started to ask myself questions, like, "What will remain from me, when I die?" "Will I see my dear ones in Heaven again?" My questions ended up in reading the Bible and a mental belief in God, the soul and Heaven.

When I was seventeen, my first journey without my parents led me to Morocco. I went there by train with one of my school friends. On a very hot summer day, we explored the city of Meknes in the north of Morocco, and our long walk ended in the slums. Houses there were made of planks crudely hammered together and plastic bags. I was really shocked and sad as I saw that human beings had to live in such poverty. Born in Germany, I had never seen anything like that before.

After my return to Germany, the sympathy I felt for the poor and needy urged me to join a ‘Third World’ group and Amnesty International. I read a lot about all the hunger in the world, the wars, the torture, the ecological disasters. Such an unjust world, full of suffering! Hundreds are dying daily from hunger and diseases. Why does God tolerate this? I could have had the same fate. Is there an immortal part in human beings? Does retributive justice exist after death? I looked intensely for answers and ways to change the world for the better. God provided me with a clear mind and the ability to understand that power can change situations for a while, but that real and lasting change will start only when human beings feel more sympathy and love in their hearts and start to share. But how could I help to bring about this change? (Photo: Antaranga with 17 photographed for his identy card)

After I had finished school, I moved with a friend to an old farmhouse where we grew organic vegetables in the garden and I started my civilian service. I did not want to join the army and chose instead to serve disabled children. One day I had to bring one of the disabled children to a hospital. After saying goodbye to her and walking back through the corridors of the hospital, I passed by an arrangement of tropic plants. The beauty of the plants attracted my attention and suddenly my consciousness changed. I was full of joy, and everything around me seemed so beautiful. Unfortunately this celestial experience lasted only for a few minutes and then I had to return to my everyday feelings. I was unhappy in those days.

A few weeks later I went to a pottery market where I saw a poster announcing a movie about Zen meditation, which was to start in a few minutes in a tent on the market. I entered the black tent and watched the movie. All of a sudden the whole world around me changed. For a few seconds I had the same celestial experience as in the hospital, while the movie showed a monk practising meditation. I realized that meditation must be the key to this kind of elevating experience. I started to practice Zen meditation. (Photo: 5-year-old Antaranga in Spain)

One day Peter, a participant in the Hatha Yoga class I attended, put a brochure in my hand saying something like, "This is about a real spiritual Master." I was looking for a real Master of meditation who could teach me, because I was unable to get this celestial feeling again through my regular Zen meditation practice. I wanted to see God and experience lasting peace and bliss. Some months earlier I had read in Yogananda’s Autobiography of a Yogi, that this possible while living on earth. I was also very inspired by the support Yogananda received from his Guru Sri Yukteswar.

A few months later, I met the spiritual Master Sri Chinmoy, whom I had read about in the brochure, which I received in the Hatha Yoga class. While shopping in Munich, I saw a poster that announced a Peace Concert by Sri Chinmoy. I drove there with three members of our flat-sharing community at the old farmhouse.
Sri Chinmoy played many instruments at the Circus Krone in Munich, but I did not have any inner experience. For some reason, I decided to sign up for a meditation class given by Sri Chinmoy’s students in Munich.

Nine months later, I moved to Munich to study homeopathy, acupuncture and a few other alternative healing methods. I attended the meditation class and learned a lot, but the celestial feeling did not come back. At the end of the class I was asked if I wanted to become Sri Chinmoy’s student. I was not sure because I had had no significant meditation experiences during the class. Therefore I decided to go by train to Florence, where Sri Chinmoy would offer another Peace Concert in a few days. (Photo: Sri Chinmoy playing a n exotic flute during a concert)

The moment I arrived in Florence, I was very happy, even though I was quite tired because I had not been able to sleep well in the coach section of the night train. I was asked to give a photograph and a completed questionnaire to Nivedak, one of Sri Chinmoy’s students, in case I wanted to become a student. I gave Nivedak both even before I had listened to Sri Chinmoy’s performance! I felt that Nivedak’s big heart and my happiness inspired me to act immediately. I decided to stay a few days longer in Florence to enjoy the springtime, because I was so happy there. But the next day, my happiness had disappeared. I realised that the reason for my happiness had been Sri Chinmoy’s inner and outer presence and not the springtime.

A few days later, just before leaving for Oslo, Sri Chinmoy accepted me as his student. I meditated very regularly, and my general mood moved in a positive direction after meditation from the day on which Sri Chinmoy accepted me as his student, but I did not have my celestial experience again. Was my choice wrong? In April 1989, a year later, I stood beside the entrance to a hall with many tropical plants in the Hilton Hotel in Munich. Sri Chinmoy was there to meet and honour a Nobel Laureate in Physics.

Suddenly Sri Chinmoy approached me as he went to welcome the Nobel Laureate, who was standing quite close to me. Sri Chinmoy looked briefly into my eyes. My consciousness changed. I felt deep inner peace and everything around me looked beautiful. A similar celestial feeling I had experienced first in the hospital when I looked at some tropical plants was there again! This time it lasted for a long time. From that day on, I was sure I had found the right person to lead me to enlightenment. (Photo: 51-year-old Antaranga)

But what about the answer to my question, ‘how to change the world for the better?’ I still like shopping in health food stores, I like fair trade, giving a signature for a better world, and I am involved in the humanitarian service of the Sri Chinmoy Centres and the Peace Run. The difference to the time before I accepted Sri Chinmoy as my spiritual teacher is: I am happy. I feel that by bettering myself I am getting happier and I inspire other people to become better and happier citizens of the world. Or in other words: I feel after improving my consciousness and becoming a better person, this consciousness enters into others according to their receptivity and they improve. A better consciousness is contagious. It is like that; if you are sitting beside a calm person, you get calmer yourself. My inner experiences and the teachings of Sri Chinmoy provided me with the optimistic feeling that each human being will become good at God’s chosen hour, and there will be a happy ending for this world.

At the time I became a student of Sri Chinmoy, living in Germany it was considered pretty unusual to have a Guru. In India and other parts of Asia it is absolutely normal. Guru is a Sanskrit word which means ‘he who illumines’. I must say to accept the support of a Guru was the best decision and the greatest blessing of my life. From the first day on which Sri Chinmoy accepted me as his student or disciple I could feel a very positive energy entering into me during every meditation. I did not feel this when I did my Zen meditation for half a year without being accepted by a true spiritual Master. Later on I read in one of Sri Chinmoy’s books that every day he meditates on his disciples, and often he projects his consciousness into their physical consciousness.

I used to say my Guru created a tube connecting me with God’s energy, which he himself was bringing down. That is what all true Gurus do.

I had read a few interesting things about Hatha Yoga and realised by the knowledge conveyed that my breathing wave was too flat, and I had many tensed muscles. In the first year, during meditation my body started sometimes trembling and bending backwards. I could see how the tensions in my breathing muscles disappeared through the trembling step by step. Finally I had a healthy breathing wave like a baby, and felt relaxed. Through meditation my capacities in every field of life increased, and my fears and other bad qualities decreased. I had been by nature very nervous. Nowadays I feel most of the time a certain poise, confidence and courage. When my computer is hanging and data gets lost, it hardly affects me anymore. (Photo: Antaranga 7 months old)

What I love is that through meditation I developed more and more detached oneness with other people I come across. I can feel what they feel. I feel their needs and I try to be of service to them, according to my capacity and what my inner voice is telling me. At the same time, if somebody is depressed or angry it does not drag me down, or in most of the cases I can get rid of a bad feeling quickly.

Imagine a hot summer day. You have finished your work. Your body wants to go swimming at a lake. Another feeling tells you it would be nice to go shopping and your mind is telling you should meditate at 6.30 p.m. What to do? For sure, there are much more important decisions to make in life, but all decisions are about either having joy and peace, or not. Reading spiritual philosophy, I became aware of the fact that I have voices within from different parts of my being. One thing which made my life very simple and peaceful, is that before I do something I ask my inner voice. Of this inner voice I became aware through my regular meditation practice. Sri Chinmoy taught us to listen to our inner voice, because then you are acting in accordance with God’s will, which provides you with peace. Feeling an urge to do something, I concentrate on my heart and ask if I should do that or not. When I feel a calm joy or peace in connection with a question, I act. Otherwise I do not act, because we all have a few voices within from different parts of our being which lead to actions ending in frustration. Nobody is perfect. Even nowadays I discover myself sometimes lying on the shore of lake without having joy. I forgot to ask my inner voice and followed the urge of my mind, which told me: last time you could relax so well and had so much joy at the lake. But your soul gives you new instructions every day and it is worth following them to have continuous happiness. (Photo: Antaranga meditating at lake Weisensee)

After meditating for 27 years, observing the improvements in my behaviour and my consciousness, I am sure something I came across in Sri Chinmoy’s writings is true:

Most of the sincere, dedicated disciples have already made such progress in the spiritual life that they have eliminated the need for quite a few incarnations.... All spiritual Masters have said that when spiritual figures descend, it is like an oceanliner that can carry many people very fast.
– Sri Chinmoy

I remember in 1992 sitting in a large room of a Public School in New York, just two or three meters away from Sri Chinmoy. Peace emanated from him and I could feel how this deep inner peace was entering into me. You want to stay in this mood forever, but after a few minutes or hours it usually disappears. It takes many years of spiritual discipline until inner peace becomes your permanent state of consciousness. Over the years I had many uplifting inner experiences like this with Sri Chinmoy’s spiritual support. They are like beautiful flowers inspiring you to enter the evergreen garden of enlightenment forever. (Photo: Sri Chinmoy meditating at a function)